I love when our customers call us with noise complaints. I find this to be the ultimate cop-out when it comes to dealing with people directly, and wanting someone else to make the problem go away. Take Ms. Figgle, for instance. This woman evidently spends a lot of time at home and has little to do, because I hear from her at least twice a week with the same complaints - a noise complaint topping the list every time.
Ms. Figgle has noisy neighbors. Apparently so noisy that she can hear their conversations, had at a normal volume. The following are the things I dearly wish I could say to Ms. Figgle.
"Perhaps you don’t have noisy neighbors, perhaps you have oversensitive ears."
"You can hear them speaking at normal volumes? That’s fantastic! You’re in the prime position to be the neighborhood gossip. Just imagine the juicy little tidbits you could pick up!"
"How is their sex life? It must be deafening, even if it’s fairly vanilla. And if it’s exciting, good lord - do you have earplugs?"
"You’re quite right, the situation is unacceptable. I advise you to get new neighbors."
"Have you tried going over there and telling them to shut the f*ck up?"
Someday, I fully intend to have nothing but time on my hands. However, when I do, I don’t believe I will spend it complaining about stupid shit. Or maybe I will. Maybe I’ll complain about how lint collects between my toes when I wear socks, or how Ryan Seacrest’s face reminds me of a shaved monkey. Who knows? I could be the most ridiculous complainer in History.